Calm Nostalgia

Stressful and tiring days are inevitable. How do you disconnect from your routine? Do you sit in silence, or do you blast music and dance like a maniac?

My calm comes with nostalgia, because what makes me feel better also reminds me of what isn’t here anymore. I lay on my bed and slowly run my fingers through my hair. I turn the lights off and drift away in memory to my grandparents’ place. I used to be the first one up and would stare into the ceiling during sunrise, until I felt the need to check on my grandparents and sister.

When I was a kid, life seemed so simple; school, homework, have fun. But now, it’s all about the future. Problems that once felt minuscule, are now chaos that sometimes spiral out of control. And why must I worry? I’m not immortal. I think I worry because one day I’ll have kids, and I want to provide them with the same sense of simplicity. Will that happen? I don’t know, but I can live my life and find out later.

I am grateful for the nostalgic memories, because it is a reminder of something good in my life. If they weren’t good, why would I miss them, right?

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❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

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Do you often feel homesick?

I don’t usually, but today  I woke up with a sense of nostalgia. Maybe it’s due to the fact, it’s raining a lot in Ontario, and to be it used to be a Vancouver thing. I’m not complaining, because I love the space here in Ontario, and I’ve been doing a lot of walking lately thanks to that :p. At least it’s gotten warmer, and absolutely no signs of snow! Yay!! Celebration! Seriously, we had a terrible winter! I didn’t even get a chance to build snowmen like I used to :(. Whenever I feel homesick, I get over it fairly quick. I just remind myself of the beautiful things in my life, I pray, I look at the thousands of photos I’ve taken, I watch Lord of the Rings (the entire extended trilogy), I paint, I write, I work on my flower arrangements, and more.

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How do YOU deal with homesickness? 

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

So, my cousin and I liked the same guy for about 1 or 2 years…

I was around 11 and my cousin was 13, the guy was 14-15 (can’t remember). My first cousins and I grew up together; we saw each other all the time, hung out at each others’ houses during the summer, and apparently had crushes on the same guy…

 

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He was one of the kids from my cousin’s neighbourhood who would hang out with us. This was back in the day, when kids played outside without fear! We used to play hide-and-seek before we were called to dinner. I remember one day I begged to be let out at night with my cousins, just to play hide-and-seek and dodgeball on the streets with them —because it was so hardcore to play those games at 10 pm. I miss those days!

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Anyway, yes we liked the same guy and it was good; there was no competition. As a matter of fact, I clearly remember one day when we both went into my aunt’s room and put on make up and sprayed gallons of perfume, just to impress him. He was my male cousin’s best friend at the time, and we were grateful for this, because that meant he would visit every time we were there (we waited by the window like snails glued on a wall). There was non-stop drooling, and that was helpful, because my aunt never had to worry about washing the floors.

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Long story short, she ended up going out with him a couple of times, because she was closer to his age. I reconnected with him on Facebook a couple of years ago, and it brought good memories (I’m not attracted to him anymore). Unfortunately, we lost communication again. But, my relatives still love to tease me and my cousin about it. It’s funny, because I thought we were subtle about us crushing over him, but I guess not.

How about YOU? Has this ever happened to you?

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

Poem – Visit

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Why have you not visited me again

she has many times

I need to hear you one more time

Tell me to live in peace

she has many times.

~~~

My emotions fall like dominoes

your presence can stop them

why can’t you visit me

she has many times

tell me, I want to understand

~~~

Is it that you’re here, but I can’t feel you?

The essence of her perfume has appeared

but yours, just once, if anything

why can’t you visit me

and relive the seen horizons

and the pebbles thrown in the water

~~~

Just once, I know you are fine

I need to know

you told me once you’d be here

is it because I really am okay?

why can’t you visit me,

she has many times

I live in peace

but say it to me one more time.

~~~

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

Here comes the waterfalls

There was a question asked by another blogger, about whether or not I have any good memories. It triggered a memory of my grandparents during the Christmas holidays. My maternal grandparents were like second parents, I grew up alongside them. There is a lot to tell about my life with them, but I’ll share a few stories.

Whenever I went to my grandparents’ house, I was always willing to help. I remember accompanying my grandma to the nearby market to get fresh groceries. We would stop by the juice bar and drink healthy blends. That’s probably the reason why I love to drink natural juices :p. Everyone at the market knew her by name; she was their number one customer and was always greeted with kindness. Actions do speak louder than words, and witnessing the love others had for her, helped me shape into the person I am today. There is a reason why they were kind to her, and that was because she always showed respect for everyone, regardless of race and social class, she treated everyone the same. Otherwise, why were they so nice to her? They even gave her great deals. Her way of living taught me to treat everyone the way I want to be treated —of course, I learned this from my mum, as well, but I just want to focus on my grandma at the moment — with respect and kindness. Ever since, everywhere I go, I always greet with a smile and ask questions in a polite manner. What’s sad is that some people seem surprised by such actions. It’s as though good manners have gone straight to the depths of a sewer; is it that uncommon?

Her love made me want to love others, and it made me want to do something special for her. I did a lot of special things, but I remember one Christmas when my sister and I decided to pick our favourite stuffed animals, and gave it to them as Christmas presents. For a child to give away their favourite stuffed animals, is like me giving up Lord of the Rings right now (never going to happen). But, that’s who she was and that’s who I wanted to be.

It was in 2007 on my 20th birthday when I last spoke to her. Of course, I didn’t know at the time that it would be the last time. It felt like an ordinary day, we talked about life and she said her usual “beware of the wolves (bad guys)” and “always cherish your parents.” I didn’t notice at the time, but our good-bye before I hung up the phone was the longest we’ve ever shared. I kept repeating good-bye, good-bye, bye, love you, bye, good-bye, God Bless. I sounded like a broken record. Two days later, I came home to find out she had a stroke. I reacted the way anyone would, in disbelief. She sounded so coherent, like her usual self, was it a joke? I honestly thought it was a cruel joke, and I would’ve preferred it being a cruel joke than a reality. She was in the hospital with my grandpa by her side everyday (what a trooper). The doctors said she couldn’t hear anything anyone said, but when I called and spoke to her, my uncle told me she started to cry. To me, that meant the world. Why? Because I did not get a chance to say good-bye in person. I did not get a chance to give her a kiss in her forehead or squeeze her tight with a bear hug, just like I imagined. I was upset, I was terrified, I was in shocked. She passed away in the days after my last phone call.

The thing is, I understand why nothing worked out so that I would be able to say good-bye in person. I understood deep down that she wanted me to remember her in life, not the way she was leaving this world. I don’t have that memory in my head, of her in a hospital bed. I remember her joyful and Faithful soul, dancing through her apartment, laughing and enjoying life. That’s who she was, and that’s how her legacy continues.

She passed away on October 12th, 2007. My grandpa joined her on May 27th, 2013.

I will talk more about them, but I had to get this out of my chest. I was feeling a bit nostalgic. I miss them. I miss them a lot.

 

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤