Love in Memories – Note One

I spontaneously wrote this a few days ago in 20 minutes. I didn’t want to edit, because I wanted to just pour my thoughts out, and leave it the way it turned out. I decided to share it and I hope to share for notes from it as I continue exploring this topic.

Title: Love in memories

 

A ripping pain overflows your veins, while you sit alone in agony. Reminiscing the fruitful moments and the lavishing gifts you once possessed.

 Where did all go?

You blame yourself for the present outcome. The guilt of what you lost, and where you could be right now does not leave your mind. It hurts, it strikes the deepest sorrow in your soul.

Where are you now?

Everything is empty and the world doesn’t make sense. The place where you are sitting is where everything will come together.

How will you move forward?

There is no clear starting point, but you can begin to gather leftover,s of any will you have to live. This is how you will resurface – or so you think – but all you have left to do is decide whether or not it’s worth moving forward.

You affirm to yourself that it doesn’t end here, but you have nothing around, except yourself. Where are you catching the inspiration from? There is one thing that you didn’t think you could count on, and that is your memories. You believe all the memories you have serve no purpose, because all you want to remember are the bad memories. There is one thing you overlooked and that is the love that you can find in them.

 

 

<3<3<3 Love, Ellie <3<3<3

Calm Nostalgia

Stressful and tiring days are inevitable. How do you disconnect from your routine? Do you sit in silence, or do you blast music and dance like a maniac?

My calm comes with nostalgia, because what makes me feel better also reminds me of what isn’t here anymore. I lay on my bed and slowly run my fingers through my hair. I turn the lights off and drift away in memory to my grandparents’ place. I used to be the first one up and would stare into the ceiling during sunrise, until I felt the need to check on my grandparents and sister.

When I was a kid, life seemed so simple; school, homework, have fun. But now, it’s all about the future. Problems that once felt minuscule, are now chaos that sometimes spiral out of control. And why must I worry? I’m not immortal. I think I worry because one day I’ll have kids, and I want to provide them with the same sense of simplicity. Will that happen? I don’t know, but I can live my life and find out later.

I am grateful for the nostalgic memories, because it is a reminder of something good in my life. If they weren’t good, why would I miss them, right?

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❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

Poem: One last year

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Recalled memories

and taught lessons

you knew my voice

that one last year.

~~~

Unexpected turns

survival of the souls

unprepared for loss

you stayed,

for one last year.

~~~

You remembered her

all your travels

all the emotions

all my stories

and you reminded me

that one last year.

~~~

And we told each other

peace and love

until one of us hung up

you showed strength

through your weakened body

that one last year.

~~~

Our last good-bye was routine

I told you we’d talk again

peace and love

until next time

that one last day.

~~~

I reached for the phone

you weren’t there

you’re in eternal peace

and eternal love

You showed me goodness

You may be gone

but you’re with your love,

and I’ll always remember

our one last year.

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

The beach and childhood

I love marine life, the ocean, sea shells, anything that has to do with water. However, tot only am I not an excellent swimmer, but I haven’t swum in the ocean for quite a while. There is no specific reason as to why, but I think it’s because I like to sit and appreciate the beauty, instead of invading it. I still submerge my feet, just not my entire body. Perhaps, it’s due to my positive childhood memories, and the good advantage I’ve taken of the beach. I don’t know. Maybe, I just got bored of it. After all, I grew up going to the beach and I even went camping on the beach.

My best friend and I used to go to the beach with our mums when we were little, and one day we went to this beach known (but unknown to us) for its high waves. Our mums were getting lunch ready and my friend I went by the shore to collect sea shells and rocks. Being the risk-takers that we were, we decided to go in a bit deeper but we faced our backs towards the waves so we could see our mums. Sure enough, they noticed we were too close to the waves and asked us to go back to the shore, but before we could there, a big wave approached. I remember looking under my legs and my eyes bulging. I yelled, “run” but before we could get ashore, the breaking wave caught up with us. It wasn’t a humongous wave, but it looked very big to us.We were fine, and we laughed it off after the initial scared faded.

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One of my favourite memories is walking on the beach with my late grandparents. We used to buy ice cream and walk on the sidewalk and sand. I remember my grandma and I used to laugh at the fact my grandpa and sister took forever deciding which ice cream to buy.  My grandpa and I would go to the rocks and stone skip into the water. I, of course, picked up the heavy ones because I loved the rippling effect they made in the water. Usually, there weren’t a lot of people nearby, so it was safe to do it. One of the most vivid memories I have of them. I even recall the smells!

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Do you have any good memories of the beach?

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

So, my cousin and I liked the same guy for about 1 or 2 years…

I was around 11 and my cousin was 13, the guy was 14-15 (can’t remember). My first cousins and I grew up together; we saw each other all the time, hung out at each others’ houses during the summer, and apparently had crushes on the same guy…

 

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He was one of the kids from my cousin’s neighbourhood who would hang out with us. This was back in the day, when kids played outside without fear! We used to play hide-and-seek before we were called to dinner. I remember one day I begged to be let out at night with my cousins, just to play hide-and-seek and dodgeball on the streets with them —because it was so hardcore to play those games at 10 pm. I miss those days!

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Anyway, yes we liked the same guy and it was good; there was no competition. As a matter of fact, I clearly remember one day when we both went into my aunt’s room and put on make up and sprayed gallons of perfume, just to impress him. He was my male cousin’s best friend at the time, and we were grateful for this, because that meant he would visit every time we were there (we waited by the window like snails glued on a wall). There was non-stop drooling, and that was helpful, because my aunt never had to worry about washing the floors.

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Long story short, she ended up going out with him a couple of times, because she was closer to his age. I reconnected with him on Facebook a couple of years ago, and it brought good memories (I’m not attracted to him anymore). Unfortunately, we lost communication again. But, my relatives still love to tease me and my cousin about it. It’s funny, because I thought we were subtle about us crushing over him, but I guess not.

How about YOU? Has this ever happened to you?

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

Undo – A to Z challenge

A to Z challenge, letter: U

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Undo

Sometimes I wish I had an ‘undo’ button, but wouldn’t life make no sense with it? If you could undo every bad moment, and every mistake, we would never move on from what we are meant to learn by making those mistakes. Of course, sometimes you may need that button, but it’s best not to have the temptation to use it all the time. How could you grow as a person if you keep rewinding what you don’t want to face? Our souls and bodies were created to have the ability to evolve and become better, but not perfect. It’s always good to go back and remember those painful memories, in order to use it to help someone or yourself, and withstand the chaos that surrounds us. If we ‘undo’ there is no moving forward. We’d be stuck in an infinite loop, and wouldn’t be able to realize our potential. Our reality would become a comfort zone, without the will to explore the greatness out there that we could be missing out. I wish I could undo my loved ones’ death, but I know I can’t, and it’s best to know that I can’t. Power can become your destruction, perfection can feel like your best friend, but be your worst enemy. There would not be a tomorrow, and we would miss out on new opportunities, and we would live in a past, and lose our present.

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

So, I looked back into my younger self…

Hi everyone! I have a question for you, have you ever had a Photobucket account? I have, and I didn’t remember until a few days ago, when I received a survey from Photobucket. At first the name didn’t click, but then I remembered I had an account with them years ago, before I turned 20! Craziness and talk about good times!

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Here’s a short list of a few things I rediscovered about me, thanks to my old Photobucket account.

1) In Grade 9 I discovered I could draw using MS Paint. This was a class assignment:

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2) Before I was worldruler007, I was Ellie the science girl (I can’t stop laughing about this). Why is there a copyright? Read #3

3) I used to go on Neopets forums. Yes, I had a Neopets account. I still do, but I don’t go there often :p

4) This was my signature photo on forums, made using Photoshop:

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5) Mischievous Penguin was one of my forums nicknames.

6) This was my profile on a Neopets fan forum:

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7) I made glittery graphics

hannah

image provided by http://www.neopets.com

PS: You can tell today is my day off 😀

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

Joy – A to Z challenge

A to Z challenge letter: J

Joy

I have talked about what ‘home’ is, what is inspirational, what is good about this life. Today, I want to remind you that you should find joy in the simplest things, and you should not feel guilty if you find joy during a grieving process. I have talked about the passing of my maternal grandparents, which was very hard for me because I grew up alongside them; they were my second parents. They taught me form a very young age that you should always find the positive in every negative moment in your life. Up until the day before my grandma passed away, I thought I was going to be fine. After she received her angel wings, I felt I was never going to be happy again. I tried so hard to keep busy (with college) and found fun things to do in order to distract myself, but I felt guilty every time I smiled. I thought I had to be depressed, I had to curl up in a ball and cry in a corner. The reason I felt happy was because I remember all the good memories I had with my grandma and everything she taught me. I honestly thought she was going to be upset from above (or wherever Heaven is) if I didn’t cry. What kind of a granddaughter would I be if I didn’t grieve the way I thought was the norm? Everybody grieves differently and I’ve learned that. Just because you smile doesn’t mean you are happy the person you loved passed away. On the contrary, it shows what a great legacy this person has left for you to continue, and how much inspiration this person brought you. Of course, there are always psychos out there who do smile because they’re happy they passed, but you never know what’s going on in other peoples’ lives. I miss my grandma, but I smile everytime I think about her. I still cry when I talk about her, because heck I miss her!!! But, it isn’t like before. It is true that it does get better, but you never fully heal from a loss. It is the JOY they brought you that helps you carry on. So, do not feel guilty, only YOU know why joy is in your life.

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

Poetry: Undying

Scribbling pain on my stitched up heart

I feel, I ache,

I beg for a cure for this torment.

Ripping memories through dark jungles,

I stride through hopes and muddy comforts.

~~~

I seek selfish help and broken words;

I regret,

I hope for better consolation,

through strikes of lightning

in my superstorm.

~~~

Unscrambled dreams possess

untimely divine is lost,

chased by unlawful creatures

attracted by the scent of my confined soul.

~~~

Sparked such fear, 

good dreams are scarce

send forth my madness

into my forte of hopes.

~~~

Sprinkle my heart with your healing loving,

and run with me down streaming waters

catch my wings and teach me to fly

help me be born again.

~~~

Daily prompt: Moments to Remember

Here’s the daily prompt for today: Moments to Remember

I sure have a lot of memories! One of the best memories is of my birthday present last year. My sister went above and beyond to get me an autograph of Sean Astin (he played Sam in the LOTR movies)…as well as a birthday video greeting from him!!!! Somehow, she managed to keep it a surprise from me – usually, I know what she’s up to. But, I was in shock and screaming all over the place when she gave me those presents! I will forever treasure those moments. It was also VERY nice of him to record the video. It goes to show you that he really is a good-hearted fellow – well, he was in the fellowship of the ring haha.

It may be a short memory, but it is the intention behind it that makes it special.