Joy – A to Z challenge

A to Z challenge letter: J

Joy

I have talked about what ‘home’ is, what is inspirational, what is good about this life. Today, I want to remind you that you should find joy in the simplest things, and you should not feel guilty if you find joy during a grieving process. I have talked about the passing of my maternal grandparents, which was very hard for me because I grew up alongside them; they were my second parents. They taught me form a very young age that you should always find the positive in every negative moment in your life. Up until the day before my grandma passed away, I thought I was going to be fine. After she received her angel wings, I felt I was never going to be happy again. I tried so hard to keep busy (with college) and found fun things to do in order to distract myself, but I felt guilty every time I smiled. I thought I had to be depressed, I had to curl up in a ball and cry in a corner. The reason I felt happy was because I remember all the good memories I had with my grandma and everything she taught me. I honestly thought she was going to be upset from above (or wherever Heaven is) if I didn’t cry. What kind of a granddaughter would I be if I didn’t grieve the way I thought was the norm? Everybody grieves differently and I’ve learned that. Just because you smile doesn’t mean you are happy the person you loved passed away. On the contrary, it shows what a great legacy this person has left for you to continue, and how much inspiration this person brought you. Of course, there are always psychos out there who do smile because they’re happy they passed, but you never know what’s going on in other peoples’ lives. I miss my grandma, but I smile everytime I think about her. I still cry when I talk about her, because heck I miss her!!! But, it isn’t like before. It is true that it does get better, but you never fully heal from a loss. It is the JOY they brought you that helps you carry on. So, do not feel guilty, only YOU know why joy is in your life.

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤

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Through the eyes of my childhood: Chapter Two: La Hyper Girl

I started these series in order to remind myself of who I used to be, in comparison to who I am today. Here’s part one if you want to follow: Through the eyes of my childhood: Chapter One – Hiding

 

La Hyper girl

I was a hyper child and always ready to go. I think my parents would’ve made great marathon runners from chasing me all over the place ( I even learned how to walk trying to chase my dad). Then again, in my defence, my two grandfathers were athletes and so was my mum, so it was in my blood. Even though, the energy of a hundred suns combined ran through my body, I managed to sleep through the entire night, which is something my parents were incredibly grateful for. Nevertheless, I  could not be left with anyone but my parents or grandparents, without crying. No one ever knew why, but I like to theorize that it’s because I’m naturally sensitive.

One night my parents decided to go out and my aunt (dad’s sister) offered to babysit –if I had a time machine, I would go back and warn her not to. Despite my parents’ concerns about me throwing a fit, my aunt encouraged them to go out and have  fun (she was only trying to be nice, oh poor auntie!) ; little did she know, she was in for quite the night. They left me asleep, but as soon as they left, guess what happened? Yup,  I woke up and started crying (did I somehow managed to install surveillance cameras in my crib?). My aunt tried to calm me, and reassured me it was all going to be fine (because, in a moment of desperation your brain tells you this is logical), but nothing worked. She was smart (and desperate to shut me up), and resorted to digging through the hamper to get my parents’ shirts (so gross,poor aunt), and placed them next to me. It worked! I fell right asleep – sneaky aunt, how you fooled  me! Having had the odd feeling that something awful happened, my parents cut the night short and returned home early. As soon as she saw them, my aunt ran away in tears…nah, just kidding, but she was exhausted. After that night, my mum never left me with anyone, but my grandparents.

To this day, I’m still a hyper woman. It’s helped, though. There are a lot of things I would not have achieved had I not been hyper. However, my friends don’t let me drink coffee when I’m with them (can’t blame them), not because they don’t want me to, but can you imagine what I’d be like with caffeine running through me? I’d say like a rabid raccoon with a splinter in its tongue, trying to escape the gates of hell. I like to joke with them and tell them my steamy cup has coffee in it :p (it’s just peppermint tea). But, this is who I am. I like to enjoy life, heck I like to hate life sometimes, too. I’m not a robot on a happy mode 24/7, but I try to be. I break, I feel, I cry, I panic, I get anxious, but I’ve been in a lot of dark places in the past that I don’t want to go there again. I get bored, but somehow I manage to find something fun to do. I’m still sensitive, and I don’t know, but it’s like I can sense people. No, I don’t have magical powers or have a sixth sense, but I listen to my instincts a lot. If something or someone doesn’t feel right, I don’t accept it. I don’t cry when people approach me or when my relatives visit me –I cry when they leave, though.

This is who I am, and there are things that are just part of me. I never stopped being that baby and child, I just grew alongside them.

photo (1)

Yup, I’m wearing a wig and sunglasses in this baby pic :p

❤ ❤ ❤ Love, Ellie ❤ ❤ ❤