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Totally owned by spiders

Spiders. Spiders. Spiders. Have you started to shiver, yet? Has a total commotion unravelled in your brain, with thoughts of the many hours/years you spend TRYING to get rid of them? Oh, the goosebumps! You’d think that with the years, my fear of spiders would disappear…WRONG. Yes, I am wiser (or so, I tell myself every time I wake up, in fear of feeling like a total failure), but I am still a spider coward.

Do you know how many spiders have I encountered? STOP now. If you fear spiders the way I do, you know that was a trick question. Who in the world has time to count spiders when you look at them? My first reaction is to find high or low ground, or to move (the let’s-populate-mars-with-humans project sounds good just about now, doesn’t it?). Then, I ask myself one question, “Is this spider big enough to throw a fit and panic?” The answer is always a yes. A spider is always of unnatural size. “Baby” spider? Yea, right. My brain only sees it as the size bigger than TrES-4. So, I go through various time-consuming steps:

For the sake of this example, I’ll name this imaginary (wish they were all imaginary) spider, Grain. Yes, I do tend to name spiders, and don’t ask me why, because I don’t know. Let’s pretend Grain decides to arrive right before bedtime:

Step One: I check to make sure Grain is still there. I stare for 80 minutes. You know, because that will somehow help my fear…

Step Two:  Grain is  moving its legs! Creepy. Nauseating.

Step Three: I’m starting to get fond of Grain! Is this some spider spell?

Step Four: There is no way I’m getting sleep tonight. It’s building  a web!!!!!!!!

Step Five: Grain is doing this on purpose! Time to get the broom!

Step Six: I’ve been standing for 120 minutes trying to figure out how to squish it, without getting too close. I notice the end of the broom isn’t big enough to squish it. Bah! I’ll use my shoe.

Step Seven: Which shoe do I use? I don’t want to leave a mark on them.

Step Eight: 1 hour and I couldn’t find a proper shoe to use for this occasion. Why is Grain still here, anyway? It’s been so long! I bet Grain knows I’m afraid and is laughing at me from that corner.

Step Nine: A book, a towel, a paper, box, I don’t want to use any of those things. It’d mean I’d get too close! I’m hungry and sleepy. I’ll grab some old flip-flop. Great! I moved and Grain moved! Forget the flip-flop.

Step Ten: I’ll get the vacuum and release Grain into the front yard. Well, not really, but I don’t want Grain to read those thoughts.

Step Eleven: Vacuum, check! My soul, check! This is it! I will be able to take a quick nap before my alarm wakes me up!

Step Twelve: Where’s Grain?

Of course! The world still rules me.




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